Failure is Not An Option

By Anna June 24, 2012 Emotional 4 Comments

I know I haven’t been posting much on my blog. Lately, I haven’t been feeling like posting about “my life” since I am going through something quite personal. For the last three months, I have been struggling with a work-personal-related issue that really made me jump and think about the choices I made in the last 5 years.

I usually make my decisions with my heart and not my head.
I usually follow my dreams but instead I followed the money.

I didn’t follow my heart. I found a quote from Edward Bulwer-Lytton that sums up exactly what I am feeling. Actually, his quote came the day after I wrote this post. On the same day I wrote this post, a quote of the same title of my blog post came to me. Coincidences, no. There are no such things as coincidences. These quotes were exactly what I needed to hear at this time.

”A good heart is better than all of the heads.”

Do you see a pattern here? I do. If you do not learn the lesson the first time, it will come to you again and again until you finally learn the lesson. My lesson came to me three times already. I cannot ignore it anymore by the third time. I did not follow my true self and I think this is why I am having a challenging time. I feel like a failure. This is what happens when I am not being honest with myself. I can no longer blame myself and just take a step back and learn from my mistake and my failure. If I didn’t fail, I don’t think my life would be much different. I believe this is a sign from the Universe. It made me step back and re-look at my life and ask myself, “Am I happy with my life?”

Now the decision has been made and I need to continue with it and do my best. I’ve been reading a lot of books. I read way too many books on all sorts of subjects. It was time for me to do some self-reflection about my past and found a pattern – a pattern that I ignored. At the time, I felt if I ignored it, it would go away. It didn’t. The lesson comes back in a different way, twofold and only more painful.

It’s been three months and the pain has subsided but it doesn’t necessarily mean that I have forgotten about the situation. I keep re-living that situation to look for the lessons of this experience in order to chart my own course of action. I do have a course of action that I have written down in my personal journal. But, because everything is still new I won’t reveal anything just yet. At least for me to have a plan is good enough for now.

Last week I was reminded again of the pain. I found out something in a public forum that made me feel less than adequate. I wondered, “Why am I doing this?” and for “whom?” Am I doing this for myself or am I just trying to receive recognition.

Another blow to my ego came last week, again in the same week as the pain I experienced a few days ago – earlier in the week. I love how people disguise what they say as a joke but I know what they are saying is really true. I know there is so much injustice in the world but this is the first time there is injustice and unfairness in my own life. I don’t really know how to handle it.

I keep experiencing these “lows” and another one blew up in my face a few days ago. I wonder why the Universe is challenging me. Is this yet another sign? Do I need to fix my life now? I don’t know how much I can take. What lesson do I need to learn? What action in my life do I need to take? I keep thinking about my future and think about this plan or that plan.

But, I do know how to handle it. A few months ago, I’ve taken the first step. Last week, I took another step in my goal. Today, was yet another step. See, if you take these small baby steps to your ultimate dream, you will be able to achieve them.

I happened to be reading one of my favorite blogs and another link led me to this story which led me to this quote I liked on Maria Forleo’s blog.

”feeling like a failure often means you’re moments away from your biggest success”

While looking for an image to post to accompany this post, I found many quotes to describe what I am going through:

Pain is a pesky part of being human, I’ve learned it feels like a stab wound to the heart, something I wish we could all do without, in our lives here. Pain is a sudden hurt that can’t be escaped. But then I have also learned that because of pain, I can feel the beauty, tenderness, and freedom of healing. Pain feels like a fast stab wound to the heart. But then healing feels like the wind against your face when you are spreading your wings and flying through the air! We may not have wings growing out of our backs, but healing is the closest thing that will give us that wind against our faces.

—
C. JoyBell C.I started writing this post exactly two weeks ago. I wonder when I will publish it. I know when I publish this post, I may end up regretting it. I think if I document my trials, it may potentially help someone else who is going through the same thing. And help me.

Tagged on: emotional, Personal

4 thoughts on “Failure is Not An Option”

Lori June 24, 2012 at 1:22 pm

Im glad you posted this. You are not a failure. Please understand that. Sometimes we just choose a wrong path for ourselves but I believe if we follow our heart, we will end up where we are suppose to be. I’ve been meaning to call you to talk but now with my phone screwed up, I can’t find the numbers to dial. If you want to call me, please do. I will always answer me phone. :-)
Anna June 24, 2012 at 2:11 pm

Thanks Lori. I guess I have never had someone be so harsh to me and it’s only one person who thinks this way. I am not sure why I am giving them all of that power.mi will try to call you today.
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Nnaedoziem Aririele March 23, 2013 at 12:59 am

Thanks for this blog. I have been feeling what you are feeling lately. I had followed my heart for 3 years while I was in college obsessing over one goal of being one of school’s representatives, a very unique and special position but i felt like doing so had made me do dishonest things on my tests, loose focus on school and not making time for friends.

So when the last chance for me to run for this position came, I applied for an internship instead and would you know it I got exactly what I think I wanted to do with my career. I couldn’t do both because of the time commitment for the school position and it would cost a lot especially with my upper classes so I went with my head instead of my heart this time around. I am happy to have that internship but I know I have never felt more incomplete and empty since I let go of that one obsession. Now I don’t know what to do. I am definitely seeing a lot of areas in my life where I have ignored or not made the time to improve on.

I would like to get some advice on this.

4 thoughts on “Failure is Not An Option”

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